00:00 Contacted Gay Switchboard by letter - embarrassed, terrified. N finds labels restrictive - tried to fit into ‘lesbian’, lost parts of self; only option was to accept being a woman, though different kind: lesbian. Switchboard told N about Austin’s bar, Hope Street, Glasgow. Spent summer terrified to enter and underage: 17. Anxiously attended ‘ice breaker’: people were friendly. Invited to go to Bennets at weekend. Had to lie to Mum: suspicious of N but happy that N was going out and gave N money. Amazed at Bennets and its characters: trans women, Victor flamboyant with trench coat. Felt could fit into ‘where the different people come’.

05:11 Met Alison, first partner: like no women from Bellshill. Asked N to dance. N was 17, Alison was 27: seemed old. Start of double life: quiet N at home, N in town with ‘the different people’.

06:27 Found ‘lesbian’ uncomfortable: N dislikes word, negative associations, preferred ‘gay’ and used that term. Aged 17 at home, kept secret diary about Alison, read by sister: knew N was involved in something. Sister shared with best friend. Taboo subject: N, sister and best friend shared alcohol at weekends, talked then over period of months. Felt pressure to fit in as lesbian: denied experiences with boys, created a lesbian identity to be accepted.

11:24 Separation of home life and weekends out at Bennets, staying with Alison. Alison came to Bellshill once: culture shock, teenagers drinking behind Bellshill Academy, highlighted age difference to Alison, finished with N. Break with Alison

was temporary: together 7 years, until N aged 24.

14:01 N came out to Mum as lesbian and moved to Glasgow with Alison. Couldn’t talk to Mum, wrote letter to come out. Mum and Dad divorced but met to discuss, huge upset but not talked about with N, only knew through sister. Dad asked sister to encourage N to change, become conventionally feminine. N 15 when parents divorced, Dad lived locally, N saw Dad but more took Mum’s side. Parents had N at 17, stayed together for kids, grew apart.

16:46 Brother much younger, 6½ year gap, so not close: more close now. Before birth N asked to guess gender, wanted boy as ‘terrible shame to be born a girl’. N annoyed because brother got to be born a boy and N couldn’t.

18:20 Mum and N didn’t speak about letter: N mortified but didn’t ask. Sister told N about parents meeting. With Mum it wasn’t mentioned and Mum stayed exactly the same. Dad vocal, Catholic, though N thinks hypocrite: said N would ‘burn in hell’. N not upset as didn’t believe: retaliated that would prefer hell with pals than heaven with people like Dad. N gets on with Dad now, but at the time rejected Dad, changed surname. N saw self as more intelligent: now N acknowledges different experiences - Dad’s childhood. At start of N’s transition Dad said, ‘you can’t be a man because you don’t go to the bookies and you don’t like football’. N now thinks Dad did the best he could. N horrified imagining being in parents’ shoes, having kid at 17. N and Dad understand each other more now.

23:01 Never spoke with Mum, Mum always nice but N thinks homophobic. Mum met Alison and was nice to her. N hurt because parents never asked about relationships: sister open, her relationships valued. Mum said N too masculine to be woman, Dad said N too feminine to be man: N interested in one person being seen in both these ways, binary perspectives. Mum died at 44, breast cancer: highlighted importance of the body and gender identity for Mum. Mum knew about transitioning, thought N was stupid. Mum and N communicated through sister, N admires sister. Mum aware of own death, and spoke of life being short and that N should do what needs to do to be happy. N thinks Mum referring to transitioning.

27:42 That changed N: thinks less about conforming, less restrictive. Doesn’t believe in true identity: feeling comfortable doesn’t come with labels, identity is not fixed, perspectives change. Helps N answer ‘are you a boy or a girl?’ The answer is no: doesn’t inform who N is but what N isn’t.