00:00 Nick [N] born 1972. Mum a shop manager and Dad a painter and decorator, now a retired fireman. Brought up in Bellshill, a working-class mining town in North Lanarkshire. N left Bellshill at 18, did not fit in. Siblings and extended family still live traditional life there, having children when young. N wasn’t like that.

02:12 Always felt different. Named a ‘tomboy’: liked the ‘boy’ part, but different from other tomboys. Identified more with boys but different, not a girl or a boy. Tomboy was the only term available, not derogatory. Society values masculinity: it is more frowned upon for a boy to be feminine than a girl to be masculine.

05:00 Strict Catholic school. Rigid differences between boys and girls: didn’t fit into either. Uncomfortable wearing skirt. Didn’t play with girls. Felt different from others and they couldn’t place N. Preferred boys’ activities but excluded: ‘isolated myself … didn’t know how to relate as me.’ Until recently N has always been asked whether boy or girl. Question makes N uncomfortable and now angry: right answer is ‘no’.

07:38 Whole society is binary, male or female. Has two birth certificates, male is blue, female is red, like traditional gendered colours blue and pink. N first thought would like mixture: purple. Now N feels yellow, gender-neutral colour. N writing book about transition ‘Yellow to Yellow’.

09:54 Pre and primary school said ‘I’m a boy’, impacted Mum who discouraged this. N didn’t understand impact, how it would be perceived: only wanted to be N. Forced to dress like girl, so always a huge fight to get N to go anywhere. Couldn’t express identity and join in with other kids. Clothes are gendered so relevant. Stopped saying ‘I’m a boy’ in high school, understood negative impact. Was too old to be a tomboy. Sent home from school at 11 or 12 for wearing trousers, angered N. No logic to gendered rules: N frustrated, couldn’t express anger then. Would have upset Mum, kept trousers a secret.

14:50 Cut hair short when younger, upset Mum. Mum encouraged more feminine clothes, which frustrated N. Mum worried about N and was critical. N unsure what family’s expectations were: not possible to define boy/girl without contradictions.

17:22 Younger sister supportive, called ‘Nicola’ Nicholas, backed up N’s identity. Accepted N the most: knew N the most. No adults supportive. Grandad acknowledged ‘grandson’, N liked this: acceptance. Now thinks grandad not supportive: too embarrassed to correct stranger. 9 month stay in Livingston at 9. No school uniform, wore trousers: felt free. Teacher put N in boys group: felt comfortable.

No other teacher recognised N like this: no explanation.

20:48 Boys accepted N depending on clothes, difficult in skirt: unsure if this was them or N. Looked like a boy, accepted as a boy: kids learnt N was a girl. If asked boy or girl, N answered ‘boy’, though binary answer didn’t seem right, and afraid of being outed. Made to wear skirt so hid: outed as a girl, humiliated by kids. Feels behaved like a boy would have.

23:51 Identified strongly as boy, only binary choices. Always called ‘Nick’: felt needed official name ‘Nicholas’. ‘Nick’ on birth certificate now. Didn’t want to change identity through transition: acknowledged continuity in name.

25:16 No interest in girls as a child: thought all girls wanted to be boys but coped better and conformed to it. N felt wrong. Girls’ things boring. Felt more free as a boy: games more exciting, hard to identify why. Gifts were gendered girls’ toys: N enjoyed some of them. Playing with dolls too long caused breathing difficulties: anxious child, nervous twitches. Anxiety when confined to expectations of a girl: felt suppressed.

29:42 At secondary school, after sole attempt to wear trousers, tried to conform to expectations. Quiet in school, couldn’t socialise, hated it: more sociable outside. Started truanting in second year: used to write sick notes. Caught: felt humiliated at being a bad kid. Attended school when had to, and left as soon as could.