00:00 N partly convinced self of being heterosexual male: was attracted to women, but always more attracted to masculinity as a gender expression, rather than an individual’s sex. Tried to live up to stereotype of masculinity, though N knew it was false. Tried to have ‘high femme’ girlfriend, while N’s getting off with androgynous woman was kept secret, as it looked more lesbian than heterosexual male.

03:45 N struggles with labels: acts or thinks in a way that contradicts the label. Always had to give up a bit of self to fit in with a label. N would rather have none of them or all of them, so as to express self more freely and not be hemmed in. Performance of heterosexual male was difficult, and N wasn’t very good at it. When honest about attraction to men, N adopted ‘gay man’ label: relief, dropped hyper-masculinity: ‘much freer because I didn’t have to pretend’. To be a gay man, N was denying had ever been attracted to women: again trying to conform to label. N didn’t fit sexual label, as had not had genital surgery, so already had broadened ‘gay man’ label. N looked for meaning: rationalising past relationships, such as Alison. ‘I was trying to deny what went before because it didn’t fit anymore, rather than just allowing what went before to still be part of you’.

07:49 Distanced self from Alison. Lesbians did not understand N and became defensive. N’s transition to male and attraction to men had implications for Alison: what did that make her? Homophobic bullying is all about gender, and for lesbian and gay people transitioning can be seen almost as betrayal. Lesbians gave impression that N was a traitor. Despite transition, they did not fully accept N was male, so it was the attraction to men that was the real issue.

11:39 N was resigned to being single: accepted this as sacrifice. N couldn’t meet expectation of having a penis. Enjoyed being single. At an AA meeting met Mark, who didn’t know N’s trans status. Talked and got on well together. N felt Mark’s attraction couldn’t go anywhere due to N’s body. Mark disclosed HIV status, and N felt could be open and disclosed ‘I was born female’ and, still before breast surgery, was only using hormones. N was shocked that Mark was attracted. N attracted but afraid, initially said no to relationship, partly due to HIV, partly due to N’s fear of taking clothes off: ‘how could he possibly want to be with me?’ But strong feeling of wanting to be with him one night, and they got together and it was fine. N tried to rationalise this, to fit it into labels. Mark still saw himself as gay man, had no problems with it. Told Dad about relationship: ‘Mark’s no gay if he’s with you’: this angered N, didn’t want to undermine Mark’s identity. N attracted to Mark due to his strong sense of self: helped N become more secure. The other person’s identity does not have to affect N’s identity.

22:39 Before Mark, there was a straight man, who had had same-sex experiences,

and knew N was trans. N on testosterone had heightened sex drive, and this man fulfilled the need for sex. Were friends before and afterwards. Man wanted sex but didn’t want people to know, would have questioned his identity. It was just sex, no expectation it was ever going to be a relationship. Man said, ‘I don’t really see you as male or female’, which is the closest to how N has always felt. How others relate to N is important, ‘he never made me feel like a woman or a man … he saw me more truly than other people did.’

27:45 N feels own gender is sort of masculine, free to express femininity, more balanced since taking hormones. Hard to describe without accepting gender binary: prefers talking in terms of colour, blue and pink: N was never a ‘pink girl’ and will never be a ‘blue boy’, through different experiences and body. It’s something different altogether, which is why N feels more yellow. N isn’t projecting a look: uses male pronouns, people would say clothes are men’s but they are what N is comfortable in – ‘they’re just bits of material and they’re mine.’ Doesn’t want to define it: not really female or male – being a mixture makes you something else.