00:00 N was expected to want genital surgery: wanted flat chest but comfortable with existing genitals. ‘True transsexual’ diagnosis focused on genitals, so pressure to say wanted phalloplasty. ‘All or nothing’ attitude, ‘gender identity disorder’ so expected to take all treatments. Trans men N knows have no interest in genital surgery. Peer support informs people now but N fears people may have unnecessary surgery due to medical model. Hierarchy in trans community: N dislikes where those with genital surgery are seen as ‘complete’. Sex and Gender Diversity Conference speaker: ‘my penis is female because it’s mine’ - gender put onto body parts, difference between sex and gender. N: ‘biological characteristics don’t determine what my gender is’.

05:09 Through hormones N had some male characteristics but had to hide breasts. Difficult years waiting for breast removal surgery: N complained about waiting list for Canniesburn Hospital, but N’s surgery compared with tattoo removal. At Sandyford Clinic, N talked to Dr Carr, a ‘gender specialist’ (though N expresses doubts about the term) who ‘has a better picture of what it’s really like’, and who pushed Glasgow Health Board to pay for surgery at Ross Hall, a private hospital, within a few weeks, as had been waiting years.

07:32 Just afterwards N was asked about ‘next stage’, but N felt could now say no [to genital surgery]. Now there is less expectation to have genital surgery, though psychiatrists still tend to expect it. N never seriously considered phalloplasty: scars and risks put N off, ‘doesn’t look like a penis to me’, wouldn’t make N more of a man, and is major surgery.

10:10 N didn’t make friends at university but people noticed changes: went unsaid, strange but N liked being anonymous. Used alcohol to escape, N not alcoholic but went to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings with Alison: a lot wrong with AA but N always felt accepted, ‘I was just Nick and male’, group support. Didn’t talk about gender, but e.g. about Mum dying. AA provided social contact, so N lied about identity again, saying was alcoholic when not. Through AA made own friends, rather than relying on Alison’s. Made friends at Glasgow’s gay AA meetings: went to cinema, bowling, ‘brilliant time because I was able to make friends as male’. N able to talk about transition with close friend John, most of whose friends were gay: John had to come out as heterosexual, and is now studying anthropology in America.

17:54 N introduced to gay man from Bellshill: one of the worst reactions to transitioning, he blamed internalised homophobia. N didn’t reveal attraction to men. Attraction to men didn’t fit into lesbian identity or transitioning: N found it difficult to understand.

20:10 N first shared attraction to men at AA as others were sharing their own insecurities around sex. Close to Ceri, a Welsh guy: self-disclosure built trust, helped

N open up, knew it was judgement free. N would like everyone to be as honest as people at AA are. N was honest with Ceri about attraction and experiences with men: helped N be more honest with self.