00:00 Started access course at Coatbridge College: loved it, didn’t find it difficult. Started college androgynous, introduced self as ’Nicky’. Class of 13, 1 man coming out as gay, half of class had a same-sex-experience: stories shared over alcohol. Most brilliant and worst of times: N internalised concerns, but wrote every night about feelings.

02:42 G.P. visit: N disclosed struggles with gender, G.P. focused on sexuality. N frustrated, felt had to lie about sexual attraction to meet expectations. Referred to psychiatrist in Bellshill. N critical of psychiatry. Referred on to experienced psychiatrist, Carswell House, Glasgow. N wanted testosterone after seeing physical impact on ‘The Decision’. N read definition of Gender Identity Disorder in psychiatric diagnostic manual: N thinks society has a gender disorder. N lied to fit into definition to receive the treatment from psychiatrist: common trans experience. Psychiatrist categorical about sexuality and gender binary: N ‘played the game’ to be seen as a ‘true transsexual’ to receive hormones.

07:13 Accepted to Strathclyde University: in first year N wanted to be known as ‘Nick’ with male pronouns. Started telling people at college. Sister told Mum, N wrote letter to Dad. N tried to fit into label of ‘transsexual man’ and used those definitions to explain. Dad found it extremely difficult. Mum didn’t understand why N had to change. For N it was about self expression. Mum diagnosed with breast cancer: N felt guilty for causing Mum stress and internalised anger. Transitions coincided: N’s gender and Mum’s cancer. Difficult time to talk about: ‘overload’. Struggled with university, mum’s cancer and transition.

11:56 Second year of university. Official name change needed to get testosterone: required letter from G.P. stating N was transsexual living permanently as male to get statutory declaration. ‘Nick Laird’ on official documents, also ‘male’ on passport. Interesting time, living as male but no hormones so didn’t ‘pass’. Return of question: ‘are you a boy or a girl?’ Difficult time: Mum died March 1999, impacted university and N started testosterone in August.

15:21 No test to be allowed hormones. N did fit diagnostic manual definition: ‘persistent discomfort with gender’, but the manual pathologises trans experiences, while it is society’s fault through rigid binary. Not something wrong with us, but we had to go along with psychiatric perspective for transition: it’s the rules that are wrong.

17:53 N didn’t make friends at university. N was the only person who completed university from college: determined, needed to prove to self. Had started university aged 26, but looked adolescent due to hormone treatment - looked like ‘wee boy’ not mature student - difficult to relate to other students. Routine of university and home.

20:50 N rented room off Alison at start of university. Alison attending Alcoholics Anonymous. N told Alison about transition: Alison angry, resistant. N believes Alison felt guilty and began to be supportive, making amends in accordance with 12 Step Programme. N didn’t talk to other people, focused on university.

23:33 N loves testosterone, the physical differences, although people make assumptions because of appearance and don’t fully see who N is. Comfortable, can express self better. First changes: increase in libido, voice broke. N looked adolescent; more muscular. At time N tried to overcompensate: hyper-masculine. Portrayed heterosexual male: denied attraction to men. N feared people would question masculinity - ‘because of my sex people didn’t accept my masculinity’. N’s masculinity always seemed undermined: by body, by others. Very sensitive to ‘she’. N was hard on family - appreciates challenges then and

understands mistakes now.