00:00 First relationship: Alison, 10 years older, worked at Celino’s Italian restaurant, Glasgow. Alison seemed rich and freer. Met at Bennets in October 1989: the following June, Alison asked N to move in. N afraid to tell Mum, so told her and left home day after: little brother affected. When N shares coming out story, would say Mum accepting because not emotional, ‘nothing happened’.

03:54 Moved in with Alison, got job at same restaurant: N had little experience of restaurants, took months to fit in. Worked and lived with Alison for seven years. Relationship with Alison: work and alcohol. Seemed false as N’s ‘lesbian identity’ was constructed: N edited past, no deep conversations. Close for the first year, non-sexual the last four years, unhappy but familiar. N loved Alison, still friends. Alcohol made it easy to be superficial. Intimate relationship but didn’t talk closely: N denied past, and much of talk was probably lies, so cannot remember now.

10:07 Films: N loved ‘Thelma and Louise’; a documentary impacted N. Felt trapped in relationship and job, didn’t see an alternative, though knew Alison was unhappy. Only knew Alison’s friends: normalised working and getting drunk.

13:28 Anxiety and panic attacks: felt like losing self. Couldn’t explain to doctor; describes physical symptoms. N thought it was physical not mental health: didn’t know about mental health issues. N self-medicated with ‘herbal quiet life tablets’. N’s anxiety challenging for Alison too. N finds it hard to remember: ‘so numb or so lost’.

16:37 Documentary on Channel Four ‘The Decision’ [‘The Wrong Body’, 1996] about a female-to-male trans kid Fred. Amsterdam trans men’s group. N familiar with male-to-female transition, had never heard of female-to-male. Identified with Fred, but his parents were supportive. N felt ‘that’s what I need to do… that’s me… a man trapped in a woman’s body’, but doubtful as comfortable with genitals. Watched documentary repeatedly. Broadcast about a year before N split with Alison.

20:11 Transitioning seemed impossible, terrifying. N worried about others - Alison, work, family - felt it would require a fresh start with people who didn’t know. Sister and N talked about documentary: sister thought of N throughout viewing. N told sister ‘that’s what I want to do’: sister made it easy for N. This was the beginning. Didn’t tell other people. Dressed less neutral, more masculine: tried to ‘perform masculinity’, ‘start living as male’. People noticed but didn’t say.

24:08 End of relationship with Alison, not because of transitioning: N suggested couldn’t go on and Alison agreed, which shocked and terrified N. Moved back in with Mum, nowhere else to go. N applied to college and left work: linked with transition, worried about customers. N wanted to go to university: no expectation when young being from Bellshill, now felt capable and thought best place to transition, could be anonymous. N devastated after end of relationship with Alison. Felt had to go back, start again but try it differently. N and Mum didn’t speak.